Porcelain made of stone
by Niveously
Summary: Donatello's trying to figure Raphael out. Success?
1. Chapter 1

I tried to capture his eyes with my camera, but he was resistant. He grunted and I sighed. He could strike about any pose he wanted and still make it look good, but I couldn't get him to use his eyes. They reflected the light just fine and the gorgeous golden color gave him a sort of shimmering look.

But I couldn't sense any feeling in them.

I put my camera down and looked at him with a bothered look. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared back at me.

- Can't you at least try, Raph?

He grunted again and walked over to me, and I kept looking at him.

– I'm tryin', okay? I just… Can't do what ya want me to. I'm not feelin' it.

He shrugged and I hummed, trying to figure something out. Raphael sat down in a chair and buried his face in his palms. I walked back and forth behind him and bit my thumb. How could I bring out the… fire inside him? How could I make his eyes glow like the color they were made of?

I stopped in front of him and tapped my foot against the floor. He looked up at me.

- What can I do, Raph? Work with me here.

He growled at me and I smiled.

- I dunno, I'm just not in the mood. I can't fake feelings, ya know.

I hummed again and nodded my head. He sighed and stood up, and stretched his arms up above his head.

- Well, we might as well quit, then.

I put my hand on his chest and stopped him when he started walking towards the door. I swirled a finger in the air in front of him.

An idea began to take shape in my head.

- I'd like to try something.

I pushed him back into the chair and he didn't seem to mind. His confused eyes searched for mine and I met his glance by just a second and then gazed towards his chest. He sat completely still as I a bit hesitantly crawled up into his lap.

His eyes flickered and I swallowed hard. I could feel how my heart started racing and I silently grabbed his hand.

I remembered reading something about adrenaline and pheromones being released in one's body when being touched in… an intimate sort of way.

I wondered what the heck I've gotten myself into, and then cupped my hands around his face. His eyes were, as always, steady and secure, and I could feel my hands shake. I licked my lips and placed a light kiss on his cheek, and he stared at me with wonder in his eyes. He put a hand around my wrist and stopped me from moving away.

- You can try that all you want, Donnie.

His voice almost seemed to vibrate and his eyes had lit up with curiosity.

I didn't know if I felt pleased or worried by his reaction, but before I could think any further, he leaned in and kissed me lightly on the corner of my mouth. I blinked a couple of times and tried my hardest to pull away, but instead of doing so, I just leaned into the soft touch.

I felt something like an electric flood ramming through my body, and I blushed when I suddenly let out a small whimper. Raph grunted and dragged me closer, and I guessed he felt the same thing I did.

Suddenly it seemed like neither of us could get enough air as we began breathing heavily by the mere thought of each other. His touch around my wrist made my whole arm itch with a powerful, incredible feeling, and for a brief second I somehow remembered that one's wrists are sensitive to this kind of embracing.

I swallowed hard and felt like my whole body was about to explode by those oh so light touches and the electric tension between us. It took so little to cause such tension. My body was… "itching", is the only way to describe it.

Suddenly, the body underneath me bucked upwards and I had to grab Raph's shoulders to keep my body from falling as I couldn't help but whimper once again.

I shivered helplessly when my model silently moaned into my ear.

I knew I wouldn't be able to crawl down from his lap, no matter what

He got me, and he liked it.

- If ya keep shiverin' at every single thing I do, I'm gonna get curious about how ya'd react if I…

He put a hand on my thigh and I felt my already red face turn even hotter. I didn't want to, but I clenched my fingers into his shoulders and bit my lower lip at the touch. I just knew that he was smiling.

- D'ya know what ya just got yurself into?

I moaned silently at his daring words.

- No turning back, I'm guessing.

I felt him nod, and then he just chuckled.

He let his hand travel from my thigh to my chest and he just kept looking into my eyes. I, on the other hand, looked down, avoiding eye-contact as I felt something building up inside of me.

- Oh God…

I didn't mean to say it out loud, but I did, and for some reason that seemed to be a huge turn-on for Raph. He kissed my cheek and I could literally feel the burning tension on my skin. I felt like if he'd kiss me on the lips, I'd simply jump him right there and then. Lose control.

And somehow, I wanted him to feel the same. With me.

I crawled higher up on Raph, which made him slide further down into the chair. I was unsure and didn't really feel at home up there, but when I looked down at Raphael… His eyes washed away all my doubts. I could feel his hand caressing my chest and shoulders, and that lump between my legs got even larger.

I knew I was losing it, and just when I was about to put my arms around his neck and do God knows what, he leaned in and touched my lips with his own. I stopped breathing and met his burning gaze.

Our lips together felt like… I don't know how to describe it. It was heaven on earth. My unused, sensitive skin was hit by lightning. Yea, that's probably the most accurate explanation I can give.

He closed his eyes and pressed a bit closer, and I didn't hesitate to do the same.

He grabbed my wrists and pulled them behind his neck, and I didn't try to stop myself when my body dragged itself closer to Raph. I let out a full, loud moan and jerked forward. I felt something harden underneath me, and Raphael grabbed my thighs. His rough hands on my skin made a perfect combo, and when I finally started to breathe normally again, I could feel Raph's reaction against my bottom plastron.

He, too, started breathing a bit shaky, and when I felt the hot air against my neck, I totally understood him just perfectly. It felt so good, just to be close to him.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep my body under control for much longer, and all I could do was to sit there and hope for Raphael being as turned on as I was. Judging from the hardness in his lap, he too was struggling with a lack of will-power.

I wanted to tell him to let go, to lose all control and to… I swallowed.

-Yu'r tense, Don. Sumthin' the matter?

His voice made me shiver violently. Damn, that hot accent caught me off guard so easily!

- I want… I want you to, uhm…

I buried my face in his neck and he chuckled.

- Ya want me to… What?

He silently stroked my arm and kissed my shoulder. I kept my mouth shut, knowing that I'd probably just groan if I tried to actually say something.

- Tell me, Don.

I whimpered when he whispered my name, and he didn't really help my gently pinching the skin on my neck. When did he get so good at… being good!

I cleared my throat.

- K-kiss me again. Now.

He did as I told him and pushed our lips together. I clinged to him with my arms around his neck and suddenly he… I don't know. He kind of shivered, kind of groaned, like he was struggling with something, and then bucked his hips upwards while teasingly biting my lower lip.

I knew he could feel me against his stomach by now, but that didn't matter. Nothing really mattered, actually.

I didn't want to put myself through further pain, so I hesitantly licked Raph's lips. He moaned and met my tongue with his own. The feeling that swirled down my spine couldn't be described. Neither of us really wanted to give in, but in the end, Raph somehow won the fight and I could only drown in his barely closed eyes and cling to him.

His left hand still rested on my thigh, and he slowly began to massage my skin. I yelped and bucked my hips forward, knowing that I now had lost all control, and Raphael moaned loudly when I did so. He let his right hand travel to my shell and then kind of pushed my body down in his lap. He jerked his pelvis upwards and stuck his tongue in my mouth.

I was in heaven. My body ached and my eyes flickered. I needed him. I needed Raph.

I leaned in deeper into the kiss and put my right hand on his stomach. He stretched and I couldn't help but getting stunned by his, if I can put it like that, damn well-shaped abs. I ran my hand further down and I heard Raph's breathing getting shallow. I assumed he wanted me as much as I wanted him, and dug my fingers into his plastron.

He groaned and grabbed my hips, which made me shiver and whimper loudly, and pushed me down into his lap once again. I didn't know what to do; I wanted him to… I couldn't even think it. I wanted to beg him, twist my body and scream his name, but – I kept silent.

I kissed his lips and he didn't hesitate to capture my tongue. He moved his hand from my thigh and up to my hip, and his fingers dug into my skin. I arched my back. Once again, I wondered how the heck he could know about all my weaknesses!

I broke the kiss.

- Raph, I…

My voice was cracking. I licked my lips and tried to speak up once again.

- I want you.

Those words made him moan and I smiled for a short moment. I liked the thought of me making him feel the way he felt.

- Yu'r sexy when you talk, Donnie.

I blushed more, if that was even possible, and couldn't hide another smile. Raphael chuckled.

- I'd be lying if I said I don't want ya, too, but…

He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me back, and I had to put one foot down on the floor to keep my balance. He stood up, pushed me further back and spun us around. Suddenly, I was the one sitting down and he stood in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest.

He silently leaned forward and placed a light kiss on my lips, and then looked me deep in the eyes with a smug smile.

- I dun fuck on the first date.

With those words he turned around – and walked out the door.

He left me stunned, horny, panting, and damn decided to get what I wanted next time.


	2. Chapter 2

The tension was killing Mikey, that's all I can say. He desperately tried to joke and make us laugh, but all he got was soft chuckles from Leo and made a half-hearted smile from me.

Raph sent me glares when he thought that I wasn't looking. And I won't be saying that he was the only one, because I did the same.

A week had passed since that time in the lab. I tried to take some photos, and…, well, it didn't turn out too well. The photo-part, I mean.

We hadn't spoken to each other. We both kept silent during dinner and we didn't make a single sound when we, say, fought the Foot. The only thing, the only real contact we've had, was one time during practice.

Raph had me pinned to the floor and Leo practically had to drag him away. I sat up, slightly coughing, and saw Raph's smug smile above me. I knew he liked winning and being in charge, but… He, for once, met my eyes and _snickered_!

- I win.

His words made me flinch back and Splinter started to lecture him about not hurting his brothers. I could only glare at him with wonder and confusion while sparring with Leonardo.

- Hello, Donnie? Anybody home?

Mikey shoved his hand back and forth in front of me, and I blinked a couple of times. I laughed a bit and shook my head, trying to get back into reality.

- Sorry, Mike. I just…, got lost in thought, I guess.

Michelangelo nodded and turned to his videogame again.

- Well, I was saying; can you _please_ go with Raph tonight?

I kept silent for a few seconds, taking a sip from my cup of coffee. I didn't really mind doing the patrol together with Raph, but… The _tension_. It was just too much, even for me. Raphael was one of the most unpredictable persons I've ever met or known about, and I had absolutely no clue what he'd do next – if he'd do anything, that is.

- Please, Don?

Mikey turned to me again. Oh no, not the puppy-eyes! I groaned.

- Why can't you go, Mike?

I tried to sound relaxed and optimistic, but failed badly.

- Well, why can't _you_, dude?

I flinched. He had a point; I teamed up with Leo as much as possible, and Mikey always got stuck with Raph.

- Pretty please with strawberry sprinkles on top?

Michelangelo tilted his head and looked at me with huge, blue eyes. I chuckled.

- Okay, okay. I'll go with him.

Mikey smiled and turned to the TV again, pleased with my final answer, and I swallowed hard. This would be the first time I'd get to be alone with him since… Since that time.

I watched the city, silent. Raphael stood with his arms crossed over his chest, only a few steps away. We still hadn't spoken a single word, and it was frustrating.

Before that day in my lab, everything had been normal. We joked around, teased each other and worked on his bike together. But now… God, why did I do that! Kiss him, I mean. To get him to feel something, yea, but then what? Yes, he felt something. Yes, he clearly liked it. And yes, we touched each other. But the thing is; _I_ liked it.

I groaned and put my palm to my forehead. Sure, I was the thinking person in this family, but I just couldn't understand my feelings.

- Sumthin' the matter?

I flinched, almost jumped at the sudden voice next to me. Raphael watched the city in front of us and didn't move an inch. I cleared my throat and avoided to look directly at him.

- Not really, why?

Score! It actually sounded like I didn't care.

He shrugged and chuckled.

- Yu're tense.

Oh dammit. Of course he sensed my uneasiness.

After all, the four of us knew each other like we knew ourselves. Master Splinter always told us that we have to know our weaknesses as a group. Guess Raph wasn't sleeping during those classes in the dojo.

I kept silent. I wanted him to just turn around and leave me alone. And I wanted him to hold his damn perfect arms around me and hug me tight.

- What're you thinkin' 'bout?

I blinked a couple of times and turned my head to look at him. He kept staring at the pulsating lights of the city for a few seconds, and then actually met my gaze with his own. He, too, seemed to be thinking about something. He looked troubled, his eyes searching.

I turned away again; too stunned to say something that would make any sense.

- Nothing in particular.

I crossed my fingers. Truth to be told, I was thinking about him. But I didn't have any intention of letting him know that. I looked at him again, and the same troubled feeling as before still showed in his golden eyes.

He was the one to look away this time, and I soon did the same.

It was getting late; Mikey and Leo were probably already back in the lair. I stretched and took one last look at New York before turning around.

- Well, let's get going.

I was just about to jump off the roof when I felt a hand around my wrist. I stopped and didn't have the chance to turn around when that hand jerked me backwards. I soon found myself held from behind.

Two strong arms were wrapped around me and I felt a forehead on my shoulder.

- Raph? What are you-

- 'm sorry.

He clenched his hand harder around my wrist. I almost lost my breath. His body so close to mine and his most gentle, rumbling voice telling me…, sorry?

- W-what?

I blinked and tried to look at him.

- I'm…, sorry.

I swallowed hard.

And before I could say anything else, he was gone. I turned around, desperately looking for him, but without success. Yup, gone.

- Raph…

I looked around me on my way home, but couldn't find him. I assumed that he just went home without me, but when I got to the lair, he wasn't there. Leonardo sighed and went out to search for him, and Mikey put on his rare "worried-face".

I, once again, put my palm to my forehead. This was my fault. And why, why, why did I still feel like jelly after that hug! I groaned and went into my lab.

I knew that he probably would come back once he got tired or hungry, and April would tell him to go home or give us a call if he went there.

But still.

I sat down in my chair and dragged my legs up, and then put my arms around my knees.

No, we didn't speak to each other or joked around as we used to, but at least I knew he was there. And now, I had no idea where to find him. I missed him.

The door creaked open and Mike peeked inside. I kept staring at my knees, and he stepped inside. He closed the door and then walked over to me. He silently put his arms around me and rested his chin on my head.

- Whatever it is, dude, it'll work out.

I felt a knot in my throat, and suddenly tears began to slowly cover my sight.

- It's gonna be okay, I promise.

I grabbed his hand, clenched it and swallowed my sadness.

It's just… I missed him. So, so much.


	3. Chapter 3

Six days. That's almost a week.

I sighed and spun around in my chair. I hadn't heard from him in _six days_. Leo and Casey went out almost every night just to search for him, but… I guess they gave up, since both of them spent their last two evenings training in the dojo or watching TV with Mikey.

I knew that it probably wasn't my fault, not completely, but I just couldn't stop blaming myself. What if I…

I stood up and shook my head, trying to get rid of those thoughts. Beating myself up wouldn't change anything to the better. I walked out of my lab and grabbed a coat on my way, and then walked over to the kitchen. Leo and Mike were playing some sort of card-game by the kitchen table.

- I'm going out.

Leo nodded with a smile and then concentrated on the game, but Mikey looked worried.

- You want company, bro?

I couldn't help but smile. Michelangelo was the one bringing me food when I forgot to eat during my busy nights in the lab; the one who told me not to worry so much; the one I could tell all my secrets and know that they'd be safe. He kind of looked after me, in some strange way, and made this whole Raph-thing bearable.

I clenched my fists.

Oh come _on_. It even hurt to _think_ his name!

- It's okay Mikey. I'll be back soon.

I smiled at him, and he nodded while slowly turning back to the game again.

I turned around and waved to Splinter and Casey who were really into something on the TV, and then walked out the door.

I climbed up the sewers and made my way out in an alley. I took on the coat, pressed my hands into the pockets and began walking. There weren't many people awake and out this evening, but I kept walking in the shadows, not willing to risk any panic-attacks tonight. A giant turtle wasn't something common in New York, after all.

The cold air made my breath visible, and somehow, I ended up feeling very lonely. I groaned. It didn't matter where I was or what I did; I still felt like something was missing. And something _was_ missing.

_He_ was missing.

I bit my lower lip. When did I get those feelings? When did I begin feeling that if he wasn't by my side, a piece of me was…, yes, _missing_? He cut me in half without even knowing it.

That time in my lab; that time with the photo-thingy. It was almost playful. It was _fun_, and I knew we both enjoyed it.

But then, something happened. It got serious, it got _real_. And I had no idea how I felt about that.

Suddenly, I heard a familiar grunt, and my heart skipped a beat.

I froze for a second, and then turned around to face the alley right next to me. At first, I didn't see a thing, but then… Something, or someone, was moving around. Twisting and turning, as if the person-

As if _he_ was in pain.

I ran over to the end of the alley, and got down on my knees in front of the shabby body. Yep, the same coat and hat, one of his sais tucked inside his belt and the red fabric from his bandana. I lowered my head a bit, trying to spot his face.

- Raph?

My worried eyes spotted some kind of reaction; his body flinched when he heard my voice. I reached for his hat, but got caught off when he did the same. Our hands lightly clashed, and something caught fire inside of me. I had to bite my tongue just to keep myself from throwing my arms around his neck and hold him close. I clenched my fists and put them on the ground to make sure that I didn't do anything that might scare him off – again.

He grabbed the hat, dragged it off and looked up at me with a drunken smile. His eyes were dry and kind of squishy at the same time, and his breath smelled strongly of alcohol.

- Hey the', Donnie.

I didn't realize it, but tears had made their way to the corners of my eyes, and I swallowed hard to keep them there. I knew I had missed him, but this… Tears of joy actually wanted to make their way down my cheeks.

His voice seemed unused and dry, as if he hadn't spoken for a while, and his left eye was surrounded by a dark purple color. He was shaking, probably without even knowing it. I could almost feel my stomach turning inside out. He _was_ in pain.

- Let's get you home, Raph.

I blinked away the tears, carefully grabbed his wrist while standing up and tried to drag him up with me, but without success. He didn't help at all, and judging by the look on his face, he didn't care if he stayed or moved.

Suddenly, he dragged me down on my knees again, and I didn't get the chance to say anything before he sat up straight and put a hand over my mouth. I swore that I could have stayed there all night long just to feel his shaky hand against my skin, but I managed to stay focused.

- Mh, no, I'm not goin' home. Not tonight.

His answer was final, and I knew that I wouldn't stand a chance if I tried to talk him into coming home with me. I nodded, and almost regretted doing so when he removed his hand from my lips.

He leaned back once again with a sigh, resting against the cold wall behind him, and closed his eyes. I scratched my arm, not knowing what to do. I finally got to see him again, and… That's it? He didn't even seem that happy about it, and now he wanted me to just leave him?

I cleared my throat.

- So, when _are_ you coming home, Raph?

He shrugged, and the silence reeked again. I bit my bottom lip. I didn't want to leave him. No matter how little he thought of me, I couldn't stand the lonely feeling that devoured me when he wasn't close.

I decided to try another technique.

- Well, I'm not going home until you are.

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him until he opened his eyes and made eye contact. After a few seconds, he chuckled and shook his head.

- Then yur gonna hav'ta stay, 'cos I'm not goin'.

I mentally cursed. Why did he have to be so stubborn! Though, he actually offered me the opportunity to stay. That meant he didn't necessarily want me to go away, right? Whatever it meant, it made me warm. I didn't care if I was imagining things, as long as it made me feel close to him.

I crawled up to the wall and sat down next to him, determined to either get him home or stay right there with him until he gave up.

- Yur gonna catch a cold.

I made a grimace when the strong scent of alcohol reached my nose for a second time that evening.

- I don't care.

He grunted and closed his eyes again. I could almost feel the warmth from his body, and I just barely resisted the urge to lean just a tiny bit closer. I tried to come up with something to talk about, just to hear his drunken, rumbling voice.

- What happened to you?

I looked at his black eye. He chuckled again.

- Sum' kids thought I was a freak.

I caught my breath and swallowed. I hated the thought of any of my brothers getting hurt, but it felt even worse when it was Raphael. He began laughing loudly, and I looked at him with a questioning expression placed on my face.

- _I_ kicked _their_ asses, Donnie.

I lifted my eyebrows and let out a relieved sigh.

- Oh. Then, what about the eye?

He shrugged again.

- They surprised me, tha's all.

I couldn't help but thinking that I should've known. No matter how reckless Raph might seem, he can always take care of himself.

Though, I didn't like the fact that he was drunk.

- Why have you been drinking?

He rested his head against the wall and started thinking.

- Ta forget.

I dragged my legs up against me and wrapped my arms around them. I wanted to ask him, but I was still afraid that he'd run off if I was too inquisitive.

- And ta think clearly, I guess.

I raised my eyebrows again, doubting.

- How can you think clearly when you're drunk?

He snickered.

- You've never been drunk, Donnie?

I shook my head.

- Everythin' becomes clear. And I can't lie when I've been drinkin'.

I turned towards him to look him in the eyes, a bit confused.

- Lie?

He nodded.

- I know exactly what I'm feelin' when I'm drunk, I can't lie to myself. Yur' so complicated all the time, ya should try it.

I snorted and crossed my arms again.

- Oh,_ I'm_ the complicated one?

He got silent and looked up in the sky. I suddenly felt bad for snapping at him, but didn't say anything. Though, I wanted to ask him about that lying-thing. What, exactly, was he lying to himself about?

I groaned, and he sighed.

- I'm sorry, Donnie.

I looked at him, remembering that time on the roof. He said the exact same thing back then, before he ran off. "I'm sorry". And then, just like that – gone.

Without really thinking, I grabbed his arm and held it tight towards my chest. I closed my eyes and kind of nuzzled his shoulder, and at that moment, I didn't care if he liked it or not. I had made it a week without him, and I couldn't just sit and miss him for one more second when he was sitting only inches away from me.

He didn't move, and neither did I. When I dared to look up at him, he met my gaze with… I don't know how to describe his expression. Like a mix of hurt and worry.

I closed my eyes again and rested my head on his shoulder, without any intentions of letting go of his arm. After a few seconds, I felt his hand on my clenching fists, and his head on top of mine.

I didn't dare to move for what seemed like eternity.

I heard him breathing heavily and even, and assumed that he actually fell asleep. I sighed, happy, and felt warmer than I've felt in weeks. It was kind of ridiculous, actually; that a drunk, shabby, rough and stubborn person like Raph could make me weak to my knees.

- Don…

I opened my eyes, humming, but he didn't say anything else.

Suddenly, he moaned my name again, and shifted so that he could put his arm over my plastron. I've never been so still in my entire life.

I realized that he was asleep, and started breathing again. I felt happy, almost silly. He moaned my name in his sleep and held his arm around me, and it made me so incredibly… Warm. Secure. I actually chuckled and nuzzled his shoulder again.

If only for one drunken evening, I wanted to be close to him without thinking about _why_.


	4. Chapter 4

I blinked my eyes open when a familiar grunt reached my ears. I looked around, surprised to wake up in an alley and confused about how I got there in the first place.

Then I remembered about the night before, about going out, about walking around in the streets of New York, and about finding Raphael.

Raphael.

The grunt was made again, but when I tried to lock my eyes on him, I couldn't find him.

Was I going mad, starting to hear things?

I shook my head and suddenly, I heard a cocky chuckle.

- Up here.

I turned my face upwards and found him sitting on the roof of the low building.

His eyes meeting mine – sober – was a wonderful feeling. It kind of confirmed that he was there, live, for real. I got warm by just that, and totally forgot about the ache in my body from sleeping outside and in a sitting position.

He looked sleepy, though kind of gentle. Like the naked and calm feeling after a violent rain.

I still looked at him even when he turned to view the wakening city, and I almost squealed when he jumped down to the ground and hummed my name a couple of times. His voice combined with my name sent shivers down my spine. He placed his hands on his hips, as if he was trying to figure something out.

I kept silent.

And so did he.

I cleared my throat and stood up, slowly realizing how stiff my body had gotten. He looked at me, waiting. Or maybe watching. I swallowed.

- Look, Raph…

I spoke gently; terribly afraid that I might scare him off if I tried to talk about anything… Anything difficult.

- If you want to, we can just forget about it. About what happened, I mean.

I felt my heart getting clenched by an invisible fist. The truth came creeping towards me; I didn't want to forget.

Though, I was willing to let that go, if it meant that Raph would come back home. Hell, I was willing to eat my computer if it meant he'd come home again!

- I've… We've missed you, Raph. Please, come home?

I twisted my fingers together and felt my heart pounding.

Don't leave don't leave don't leave.

- Sure.

I looked up at him, blinking. I heard the blood pumping in my head.

He met my gaze and obviously noticed that I was surprised by his short, simple answer. He smiled a bit and shrugged.

- Can't we just… Leave it? Like, what happened, happened?

He scratched the back of his head and peeked at me, a bit questioning.

I nodded, more than satisfied with the deal.

After a few moments of silence, I spoke up.

- So we're heading home?

He nodded.

- Headin' home.

I almost chuckled at his bothered expression. He was probably worried about father and maybe even Leonardo.

I walked up to him and carefully pushed his shoulder using my own. He looked down at me and I smiled.

- Come on, let's go. I'm starving and cold.

He smiled softly back at me, slowly nodding, and I had to bite my cheeks to keep a happy churr from escaping my throat.

It felt like it was too good to be true, and I actually pinched myself when we walked over the rooftops, just to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. Raphael turned his face away, and I realized that he probably saw my dream-test.

He was smiling though, even if he tried to hide it. And for me, that smile was the greatest news ever.


	5. Chapter 5

Mikey was all over us when we entered the lair and Leo actually failed to lecture us about disappearing. Father, on the other hand, took us both in for a talk. I'm guessing I got away easily, judging by the look on Raph's face when he got out. He stormed over to his room and didn't come out for dinner. Neither of us questioned it, but I got worried. What did they talk about? I made a few sandwiches and snuck up to the bedrooms.

When I first knocked, I heard him freeze his actions.

- Raph? Can I come in?

I smiled at his revealed sigh, and he soon opened the door to let me in.

I couldn't help it, but it was like I was being dragged towards him no matter where he was. I knew that I probably should keep away in case he wanted some time to think or simply wanted to be alone, but I couldn't. On the other hand, I was curious about the things father had told him.

And I couldn't help being curious about what happened in my lab, and about Raph being kind of cool about not denying it. I got some kind of hope, to be honest.

So there I was, actually making up excuses to go to his room. To bring him dinner, in this case.

- I figured you'd be hungry.

I placed the plate with sandwiches on the desk next to the door, and he nodded as a "thank you".

I scratched my arm, suddenly feeling very out of place. Raph really wasn't talkative tonight – not that he used to be any other night, but you get the point.

- So, uhm… What did master Splinter say?

I started strolling around his room, not having any plans about leaving very soon. He picked up one of the sandwiches and then lumped down in his hammock. I looked around his room, and even though I'd seen it a thousand times before, it felt like something had changed since that time. It had gotten more intimate, somehow. Private.

I looked at Raph again, almost giving up about getting an answer, and therefore got surprised when he finally spoke up.

- First of, he yelled at me 'bout runnin' off and all that stuff.

I nodded, that sounded reasonable. Sure, father didn't yell that often, but Raph did run away for a long time and without letting anyone know that he was okay. Maybe that talk would keep him home for a while.

- Then he went on and on 'bout me bein' reckless and not carin' 'bout our family…

He took a bite of the sandwich and I nodded again. Still reasonable.

- And 'bout not carin' 'bout you.

I flinched and looked up at him, a bit embarrassed. What did he mean by that? Had master Splinter noticed how much I missed Raphael? Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit.

He took another bite, chewed and swallowed.

- He said ya took it pretty hard.

I felt my cheeks getting hotter.

Of course he'd find out sometime. Of course he'd understand something's up, even if I myself had no idea about what. God, why can't I be a bit discreet for once! Why couldn't I keep in mind that I could blow our whole family if my mind was readable to everyone?

When I didn't say anything, he cleared his throat.

- Listen, Donnie…

He stood up and put his sandwich on the plate, then slowly walked up to me. I felt the panic coming creeping, and I had to mentally tell myself to stand still to keep myself from running off. Instead, I tried to get ready for whatever that was coming. Getting rejected before I even got to figure out stuff myself, yay. Just great.

- Whatever it is, it's okay. I'm not sayin' that I get this stuff…

He made a gesture with his hands and I wrinkled my eyebrows, trying to take in his words.

- But… It's alright. Mkay?

He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and I fought with words, trying to describe the feeling that struck me like lightning. I was ready for a letdown, a lecture, maybe a punch, but… This was something completely different.

He accepted me as the weirdo with overwhelming feelings I had turned into.

Tears suddenly formed in the corners of my eyes and I felt both incredibly happy and extremely bothered at the same time.

I didn't want those feelings.

And at the same time, I wanted them – and him – more than anything.

I saw him noticing the tears and the redness on my cheeks. He looked worried.

And I realized that I was so, so scared. Scared about the feelings I couldn't explain, scared about Raphael finding out about them, and scared about being left alone. Without him. I couldn't live without him. No way.

I felt a sour feeling in my throat and, without thinking, threw my arms around his neck. I buried my face in his shoulder and felt him flinch. I shut my eyes and swallowed a whimper.

- I'm sorry, I'm… I'm so sorry.

I fought against the tears, and lost.

- I'm so sorry I'm so complicated. I'm…

Then, he wrapped his strong arms around me, slowly stroking my shell.

- Ya dun have to excuse yurself, Donnie. It's alright.

And I didn't even try to stop the tears from streaming down.

His warm skin against mine and his rumbling though gentle voice was just too much for me. He made me crack without even trying, twisting my heart inside my chest. I forced myself to calm down at least a bit.

- Dun worry so much.

He placed his chin on the top of my head and hugged me tighter. It felt so good; as if he kept me from falling apart. I finally started breathing normally again. I felt kind of safe.

I never wanted to let go of him, and he just let me.


	6. Chapter 6

When I got to bed the other night, I felt a bit awkward, like I mostly do after saying something exposing or emotional. And I felt kind of worried. Like, if I left his room, he'd be gone.

He erased all those feelings when he hugged me a bit longer than I was prepared for, though. Plus, he dried my tears away and told me not to worry. I went to bed with butterflies in my stomach, without thinking that I wanted them to disappear.

And when I got up in the morning, I was happy to get those butterflies woken up by a warm smile and a hand that held out a cup of coffee for me. No milk, with two sugars, and in my favorite cup with an elephant on it.

I won't say that I didn't think about the phrase "it's alright", 'cause I would be lying pretty badly if I did.

He understood, right? He got it? That I… I mean, that I'm…

- In love.

My hissed words echoed through my lab.

I tried to occupy my mind with something else than Raphael, my brother and victim for my daydreaming right now, but failed.

My mind kept traveling to him and to the words "it's alright".

What, exactly, is alright!

I gave up on the project showing on the screen of my computer and groaned. I already knew where my body was heading, and that kind of amused me in some irritating way. I liked where I was bound to end up, but it was annoying that I couldn't control it.

I stood up from my chair and walked out the door. Mikey was discussing TV-shows with father and Leo sat by the kitchen table with a book. I tried to spot him somewhere, but I soon noticed the sound of weights being lifted and knew that he was the source of the sound. I walked to his bedroom and opened the door with a light knock.

Our eyes met when I entered and he smiled brightly, making my heart skip a beat. With one look, he made my cheeks burning red. That, too, kind of amused me.

- What's up, Don?

I sat down on a chair, trying to figure out what to answer. "Oh nothing much, just thinking about you and doodling your name on my blueprints for hours." I slightly shook my head, facing the ugly truth in my mind.

He pumped a dumbbell while looking at me, which made me glue my gaze to the floor. I didn't want to risk anything by staring at his arms. Who knew, maybe even I was capable of creeping someone out?

- Not much really. Thinking a lot.

I shyly looked up at him again. He nodded.

- Yea, me too.

I blinked. He's been thinking about it, too? I didn't have time to argue with myself about it before he spoke up again.

- So, what's on yur mind?

I swallowed and didn't even have time to prepare myself before the words slipped out.

- What, exactly, did you mean with "it's alright"?

I forced myself to look at him, curious about the answer. He hummed.

- That depends on what ya want it to mean.

I nearly choked and started breathing shallowly, unintentionally straightening my back.

Did he realize that he fired my hopes? That he turned some kind of switch inside of me? That I nearly ran over and kissed him out of pure happiness?

He put the dumbbell on the floor, stood up and stretched his arms.

- I'm gonna take a shower.

I nodded, a bit lost in thought.

- I'll be right back.

The silence he left behind made me think clearer than before – I soon noticed what filled my head, though. It was hopeless; I simply couldn't stop thinking about him. I stood up and left the room even more silent than before.

He didn't seem surprised when I opened the door to the showers and peeked inside. He simply waved for me to come in, and I did. I leaned against the wall next to the door and shyly looked at him while he scrubbed his body clean from dirt and sweat. I didn't want to look away. I shook my head.

Wasn't that proof enough? That I didn't want to leave him alone?

- Raph, can I tell you something?

I twisted my fingers together – a habit from all these tense moments with Raphael.

- Yea, sure.

He met my glance for a few seconds before the water started to pour down over his face. I tried to choose my words, not even sure about what I was going to say.

- I…

I closed my eyes, knowing that the sentence would let itself out.

- I think I like you.

I turned my face down. I didn't want to look at him when he rejected me. I didn't want to see his glowing eyes. I suddenly regretted my words and bit my tongue as hard as I could, not really caring about the blood-taste that filled my mouth.

- Oh really?

I swallowed hard. Once again, I tried to prepare for the letdown, lecture or… Yeah, maybe the punch.

Who was I kidding? How could I possibly believe that Raphael, my own brother, would answer my feelings? Or even accept them, for that matter?

My face was burning and I could've sworn that I was about to crack my fingers with the harsh twisting I put them through.

Suddenly, his arms were wrapped around my waist and he pulled me close towards his body.

- That's nice to hear.

Before I could think any further, he pressed our lips together and my eyesight was being filled with stars. I grabbed his shoulder, just to hold on to something while trying to gasp, and I felt him grinning. His skillful tongue searched for mine, and even though the feeling was new, a bit awkward and unfamiliar, a moan briefly grew in my throat. He seemed very pleased with himself, and all I could do was to admit that I was falling helplessly for him.


	7. Chapter 7

Holding hands under the kitchen table. Changing gazes during practice. And stealing kisses in the showers.

It felt like it was just too good to be true. _Raphael_ was too good to be true. Sure, he still drove me mad when he just couldn't understand my technological projects, and he still freaked me out every time he got a bit late from a ride on his bike.

But his golden eyes telling me things his tongue never would, his huge guns – also called arms – around me, his cocky laughter and his warm hands on my cheeks… It made it all worth it.

One evening, about two weeks after the incident in my lab, I began thinking. Thinking about stuff like how he got so… _Confident_. I think that's the word. He never even hesitated to kiss me, never had second thoughts about giving me one of those tight and secure hugs. I didn't mind, of course, but I began to wonder how he got like that.

I grabbed my cup of coffee. We were sitting on the rooftop, watching the glowing and pulsating New York City. When I sat down next to him, he grabbed my hand and sighed happily. I couldn't help but smile; I never saw him like this before.

I took a sip of my coffee and leaned my head on his shoulder, shivering slightly when a wind made its way over the rooftops. He switched hand to hold onto mine and put his arm around my shoulders.

I didn't want to spoil the evening or the bright mood, but I wanted some answers to my questions. I swallowed.

- Raph?

He hummed.

- Can I ask you something?

He leaned his head towards mine.

- 'course.

I licked my lips, once again fighting the words in my head. He had some strange way of making my tongue stumble on itself whenever I wanted to tell him something important. Usually, I liked it.

- How did you get so good at this?

He slightly turned his head to look at me, and then gazed out over the city again.

- Good at what?

I hummed, trying to figure out how to put it. Once, he told me that I think way too much before I actually say anything. Maybe that's true.

- Kissing. Holding me. That stuff.

I felt him getting stiff but I kept still. His reaction kind of worried me in some way. I didn't want to push him, but… It felt like I needed to know that story. He was hiding something from me, and that twisted my stomach.

Seconds flew by before he said anything.

- 'm a natural, I guess.

He chuckled, trying to convince me that nothing's wrong. I sighed, and he soon understood that I didn't believe him. He groaned and shifted, gently clenching my hand.

- Donnie, trust me. Ya dun wanna know.

I looked at him, surprised that I actually got him to say that much. I wanted even more, though.

- I'm sure I can handle it.

I noticed my voice cracking a bit at the end of my last word. Even though I knew that the answer I was seeking probably would make me feel bad, I felt as if I needed to know.

- Really, Donnie. Drop it.

His determined words fired me up even more. The feeling that I knew would take over my body was already there, lurking in the dark. I swallowed again, determined to keep my voice steady this time.

- Tell me. I want to know. And whatever it is, I won't blame you.

I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb and tried to smile gently, but he still kept the same face. I dropped the smile.

- I'm not worried 'bout you blamin' _me_.

His mumble sent a shiver down my spine.

- Just… Tell me. Please.

He looked at me, a bit caught off guard.

- Donnie, s'riously-

- _Please_?

I intentionally cut him off, now looking at him with pleading eyes. The pinching lump in my throat was growing, but I wanted to hear it, even if I probably knew already.

- Alright…

He shifted a bit.

- Ya know when I left a couple of weeks ago?

I nodded, painfully remembering those awful days I spent at home without him.

- Yea. Well, I kinda… I had a lot on my mind. A lot of feelings I didn't understand.

I nodded again, slowly this time.

- So I drank. An' got into fights.

Well, I kind of knew about that already.

- And uh… I tried to get rid of the feelings. I tried to stop thinkin' 'bout ya.

First, I got flattered and even a bit happy. Then, I wondered what he did to get rid of what he felt.

I waited for him to continue. He looked at me, eyebrows wrinkled. He groaned loudly.

- Ya dun need to know this.

- But I want to.

He sighed and I sat up straight, putting my cup of coffee on the ground.

- I...

He took a deep breath. I, on the other hand, didn't breathe at all. I knew it was coming.

- I slept with some people.

Still couldn't breathe.

- I slept with a… A _lot_ of people.

I started to shake.

- I-I see.

My voice cracked.

I tried not to feel hurt. I _really_ did. I tried to be understanding; I tried to get my ego out of the picture. That had been his way of handling his feelings, and I shouldn't have anything to say about that. I tried to get the thought of Raphael having other relationships with other people before me out of my head. I tried to accept it.

It didn't work.

He clenched my hand, but I couldn't clench back. I couldn't even look him in the eyes.

The thought of me not being his first kiss. The thought of someone else getting him before me. And the thought of me being replaced by_some people_.

I bit my lip, let go of his hand and stood up. He was on his feet faster than I thought was possible, and grabbed my hand again. I didn't respond, busy trying to keep the feeling of worthlessness from taking over my body.

I felt like trash. Garbage.

A worthless piece of unwanted _garbage_.

- Donnie, look at me.

I shook my head.

- I said _look at me_.

He jerked my arm to the side and forced me to turn around. I closed my eyes. He growled.

- For fuck sake, _look at me_!

I whimpered and turned my face away from him when I opened my eyes. He breathed shallowly, clenching his empty fist.

I took another deep breath.

- Raph, I just want to… I need to be alone.

He shook his head.

- I dun think so. Yur' not bein' alone. Not when ya have that look on yur face.

I blinked, still trying to resist the feeling that came creeping closer with every second. I started breathing with my mouth open. I didn't feel the air rushing to my lungs and my body got burning hot and freezing cold at the same time.

- Let me go.

He shook his head.

And the tears came streaming.

- Le-het me _go_!

I tried to jerk my arm free from his grip, but I couldn't force enough strength into my body. I was clumsy because of the hurting and my eyesight blurred. I sobbed violently, trying to slam both my hands in front of my face. I didn't want him to look at me. And at the same time, I wanted him to see what he did to me.

Resisting was pointless. He dragged me into his arms, and I put my forehead on his shoulder.

I wanted to hate him. But instead, I loved him even more than before – the hurting inside of me confirmed it. And I was so, so scared of him leaving me, no matter the reason.

I dragged my palms away from my face and placed them around him instead. I dug my fingers into his shell, keeping him from moving away.


	8. Chapter 8

I could actually feel his eyes following me wherever I went. In one way, I wanted to feel them burning in my neck. In another way, it only made me feel even worse than I already did.

The lab became my stronghold where I spent most of my time. I barely went out to eat, and when I did, I made sure that no one else was around. It was rare to see me upset, I knew that. If I showed myself in that bad mood I couldn't escape, it would worry my brothers. And it would give Raph one more reason to stare me out.

I sighed and leaned back into my chair, covering my face in my palms. I tried to drench my sadness in work and research; needless to say, it didn't work well. I thought about him all the time, his words from that night echoing in my head. It's been three days, and I still couldn't let go of my stubborn sorrow. It bugged me like nothing else since I knew that sleeping with people was Raph's way of dealing with his feelings. I couldn't understand it, but I should at least be able to accept it!

I groaned and turned back to my computer when I heard a shy knock. I froze; kind of worried that it might be Raphael.

- Don? It's me, can I come in?

Mikey's voice made my heart start beating again.

- Y-yea, sure. Come on in.

I took a shaky breath and waited for Mike to enter. He closed the cold metal door behind him and strolled over to me, wearing that usual dorky smile on his lips. He grabbed a chair and sat down next to me, his eyes flickering all over the place. He avoided looking at me, though. I tilted my head.

- Is something the matter, Mike?

He looked up at me, opening his mouth to say something and then changing his mind in the last second. I nodded slightly, trying to get him to continue.

- Well, yea…

He put his palms together, just like Leo does when he's about to make something clear.

- You've been acting like, really sad lately.

He met my glance with huge, worried blue eyes. I swallowed and felt my heart skip a tiny beat. What was I supposed to say? "Yes, Mike, I'm sad and feel like crap. Oh, did I mention that I'm in love with our brother and that he slept with some people and that makes me want to jump off a cliff?"

I sighed and licked my lips. He looked really troubled, and that made me feel guilty. The last thing I wanted was to bring my mood onto someone else.

- And not only you. Raph's been going out at night again, and he won't talk to any of us.

I felt an invisible fist clench my heart.

Did he go back to…, them?

Mike suddenly started to gesticulate.

- Whoa, that's what I mean!

I looked at him, confused. He pointed a finger at me, circling it.

- Every time I mention him, you make that face.

I blinked and tried to understand what he meant, but failed. I made faces?

- You look totally devastated, dude.

He put his palms back together, looking at me with some kind of expectation in his eyes. He wanted me to tell him what's going on. I swallowed, trying to come up with an excuse.

- We've been fighting.

My voice let me down by shaking, and Mikey clearly noticed.

- We kinda figured that one out already.

He looked at me again, still wearing the same face. I felt the panic creeping closer, making me twist my fingers. Mike sighed and licked his lips.

- Look, Donnie…

I glued my gaze to the floor.

- Whatever it is, it'll work out.

Suddenly, his arms were wrapped around me. The familiar situation and position reminded me of when Raphael disappeared a few weeks ago. Mike came in and hugged me, told me that it's going to be okay.

I didn't really have a chance to stop myself when a silent sob escaped my throat. The tears were already streaming down my face. I nuzzled towards his neck, closing my eyes while trying to ignore the burning, hurting feeling in my body. He clenched his arms tighter around me. For one short second, it made me feel better. It felt like he was keeping me from dissolving, somehow. But then, I just felt incredibly filthy and worthless. The reason I was crying my heart out was because of the feelings I shared with our brother. Our brother.

- You wanna talk about it, bro?

His soft voice made me hiccup. If he knew, he wouldn't hold me like this. He wouldn't even want to look at me anymore.

I shook my head.

- You'll thi-hink I'm di-hisgusting.

I sniffled and nuzzled his neck again, trying to capture that kind of secure feeling. He chuckled.

- I would never ever ever think that you're disgusting.

I actually smiled.

- Y-you wouldn't be saying that if you k-knew.

He hugged me tighter again, putting his chin on the top of my head.

- Try me.

I blinked and tried to stop that tiny ray of hope that started growing inside me. Mikey accepted about everything, no matter what it was about, and I felt that I really wanted to tell him, but… That I was in love with our brother? I doubted that even Mikey would take that with a shrug.

He kept hugging me, not letting go even when I turned my head to look at him. His blue eyes were honest and calm; silently waiting for me to say whatever I wanted and kind of guaranteed me a positive reaction from my baby brother. A thousand different thoughts were spinning around in my head, and before I could stop it, the silent words came slipping out of my mouth.

- I'm in love with Raphael.

I felt Mikey's body tensing, freezing in that moment. I automatically did the same, whimpering and closing my eyes in a worthless try to keep reality away. I shouldn't have said anything! Don, why can't you use that brain of yours in moments like these! Time practically stood still, and yet, it felt like eternity before I even dared to breathe again. It felt like if I moved or said anything, I would break something very valuable and important; as if the world would come crashing down around me if I did anything that would show my existence.

The silence was deafening, Mikey's stiff arms around me not moving at all. Suddenly, Mikey looked at me and pierced my face with his gaze. I could almost feel the judgment in the air. He grabbed my upper arms and kept looking at me, studying every inch of my face. I swallowed and closed my eyes only to realize the tears that came streaming down my cheeks again. Why can't even one single day pass without me crying?

A finger dried the wetness off the corners of my eyes. When I looked at my brother again, I met a pair of warm eyes and a soft smile that made my heart clench.

- I knew something like that was up.

I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. He knew?

He smiled one of his big dorky smiles and hugged me again, patting my shell with one hand.

- Thanks for telling me, bro'.

I closed my mouth, knowing that nothing would come out of it anyway. I nodded as a thank you and sent him a grateful little smile when he kissed my forehead. It felt nice – more than nice – to know that he accepted and loved me no matter what.

A growl made me turn my head towards the metal door. A pair of furious, burning golden eyes choked my entire being, and I didn't have time to say anything before his dark green fist buckled the door. I think it was tears that made his eyes glow so much when he turned around and disappeared.


	9. Chapter 9

I sent Mikey a worried look and then rushed out of my lab. I looked around the living area but didn't spot him anywhere, and then assumed that he must've gone up to the surface. My heart was pounding extremely fast and my throat threatened to explode any second; his eyes had made every inch of me hurt like hell. I didn't even want to know how much I had hurt him, even if this all was a huge misunderstanding.

I didn't bother getting my coat when I made my way out in the sewers and up to the top. I climbed up on a huge building, trying to spot some kind of movement; some kind of sign of him.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him standing there, right outside my lab. His red bandana framed those golden eyes just perfectly; making the anger in them hit me like a bullet. He had gritted his teeth and growled a deep, rumbling growl, his eyes shifting between me and Mike. And then he turned around, only leaving a messed up metal door and a panicked me behind.

I jumped between the rooftops and had the feeling that I was missing him all the time, which only made me panic even more. I breathed way more heavily than I was supposed to after a few sprints over plain ground. I squatted and buried my face in my palms, trying to calm myself down. I wasn't a good ninja when I was this stressed up. I had to gather myself before I did anything more, otherwise I'd never make any progress.

When I forced the buzzing in my ears away, I heard something that sounded like a huge dozer mangling a junkyard.

Or like a really pissed off Raphael in an alley.

I stood up and followed the sound until I sat on the edge of a roof, looking down at a very ugly looking scene. He crushed everything around him, his body tense with fury and rage. I flinched every time his clenched fists hit something – a trashcan, a metal container, or even the walls to the buildings around him. I could almost feel the vibrations in the brick wall I was sitting on. I swallowed and started climbing down.

The deafening sound of things being ripped apart combined with his growls and grunts almost hurt. My throat got even tighter when I caught a glance of his tear filled eyes.

- Raph?

I jumped down from the wall and tried to not scare him off. It was like handling a wild animal!

He didn't answer me. I took a step forward, but stopped right there. There wasn't much that could make Raphael snap out of it when he was like this, consumed by his feelings.

I flinched when he suddenly spun around and clashed his forearms into the wall behind me, pinning me between it and his plastron. He gritted his teeth with a low growl in his throat. His hot breath puffed against my face, his eyes burning holes in my own. A whimper let itself out when he moved one of his arms for a moment, just to crush his fist back into the wall next to my head, and I couldn't help but feeling… Scared.

I closed my eyes and clenched my shaking fists. I felt great respect towards all my brothers, but I've never been afraid of any of them before.

- Raph…

I opened my eyes and forced myself to stay calm. Fighting rage with rage never really seemed to work.

The sweat on his forehead and his flickering, hurt gaze kept sending waves of something down my spine. The thought of me causing him these feelings was almost unbearable. I shouldn't hurt the one I love!

- It's not what it looked like.

He barely let me finish my sentence before he snarled and pushed me harder up towards the brick wall.

- Then what is it?

He pushed the words out through gritted teeth. I raised a hand to put it on his plastron, gently pushing him away, but his hand batted mine away faster than I could blink. He forced me to look him in the eyes. I took a deep, shaky breath.

- I was talking to Mikey about how I'm feeling.

I stared back at him when he growled. I wrinkled my eye ridge.

- I'm not cheating on you, if that's what you think.

He chuckled, actually frightening me a bit.

- That's not what it looked like, Donnie.

I could feel my own anger rising. What the heck did he think of me! No matter what, I'd never ever cheat on him!

I placed both my hands on his plastron and pushed him back enough for me to escape the Raph-wall-trap. I was breathing shallowly, not even nearly as heavy as he did.

- I told Mikey that I lo-…

I bit my lip. I've never said those three words to Raph, not word-for-word.

- That ya what!

He threw his arms out and took a few steps towards me again, but I was careful and kept away from that damn wall.

- I shoulda figured ya out.

He shook his head, facing the ground for once.

- I'll never be good enough for ya, Donnie. No one will.

I blinked and felt that pain in my throat again. What was he talking about!

I could swear that I started seeing red by then.

- Why can't you listen to me, you ignorant hothead!

He grunted and looked up at me. Looks like a lot of virginities are to be taken; that's the first time I've ever called him something like that. I licked my lips, aware that I probably should just leave it there and go back to the lair or something. But I didn't. He kept silent, looking at me.

- Why won't you trust me?

He snapped.

- Why won't you stay fucking faithful!

Something started burning inside of me, all that hidden sadness reaching the surface.

- Well look who's talking.

I knew the tears in my eyes and my shaking body would bring back memories from the night when he had told me about his… Adventures.

It felt like someone stabbed a knife in my back and twisted it. That small tear that quickly vanished from his cheek told me he felt about the same thing, and that made it all even worse, somehow. I didn't want to hurt him, but still, I did. How did we get like this?

His arms around me made me flinch, shocked by the sudden touch. I felt his mouth open and close on my shoulder, searching for the right words. I swallowed and pushed him away from me, looking him in the eyes.

- It's not going to happen, Raph. We can't go on like this.

The words came out by themselves, and if it wasn't for his name in the sentence, I would've thought it was him saying them. I looked away before I could see the feelings in his face. I tried telling myself that I had done the right thing, that we wouldn't hurt each other if we kept separated. The mere thought of it crushed me from the inside, though.

Before I could think any further, I was running over the rooftops, my sight blinded with… Oh, what a fucking surprise; tears.


	10. Chapter 10

I sat down on Mikey's bed and just looked at him. He was reading a comic book and didn't really notice me until he heard my silent sob. He turned his head to look at me, throwing the comic away when he saw my red, swollen eyes and the dried off tears on my cheeks.

I ran straight back home without even looking back when Raphael called my name before. I didn't even hesitate; I needed to get away, I needed to… To think clearly again.

Mike sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder, which only brought more tears to my eyes. I leaned my head on my baby brother's shoulder, taking a deep, shaky breath. A green hand patted my head.

- Oh, Donnie…

He sounded so very troubled and worried, making me want to just break down and cry. But no, I've cried so many times lately. It's enough.

I closed my eyes and opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't get any words to travel from my head to my tongue. I felt Michelangelo's head nod silently, telling me to take the time I need.

- I think I just broke up with Raph.

I kind of spit the words out, but Mikey got it. Obviously. He actually jumped a bit, staring at me with huge eyes. I tried to smile politely, but failed badly. It wasn't the time for smiles. Mike was just about to say something when I imagined Raph's hurt face when I told him that we weren't going to happen. I buried my face in my palms and gritted my teeth.

- Our…

My voice cracked.

- Our relationship is like… Like freakin' porcelain!

I sobbed at the end of the sentence. I think I got the word just right, though. Porcelain. Thin, fragile and weak porcelain.

Mike stroked my neck and hushed, trying to get me to calm down. I knew he was right, I probably should just… Not sit here and cry. I should go and talk to Raph, get things sorted out. Maybe invite Leo into our dramatic family of gayness. Maybe play matchmaker and put Mike and Leo together.

My thoughts were dripping with sarcasm, though. This whole thing was madness. Complete and utter madness.

Mikey hummed.

- Maybe it's like porcelain on the outside…

I looked at him.

- But something harder on the inside. Like stone!

He sent me one of his famous, proud grins and patted my shell, happy about his own made up metaphor. I actually managed to smile a bit, but… I sighed.

- Explain, Mikey.

He nodded, happy that he'd get to explain something to the smart one in the family.

- You're always fighting, right?

I nodded.

- Right.

- But… You never really end it. Right?

I blinked a couple of times.

- Well, until now.

Mike shook his head, making me even more confused.

- I don't think you want it to be the end.

Something hit me like a bullet. No matter how much I tried to deny it, I knew he was right. I wanted us to be together, I wanted us to be a couple. It's just… I can't stand the fights. They're killing me.

- And I don't think he wants it to be over, either. Right, Raph?

I didn't get it until the door creaked open and a puffy Raph took a step inside. He looked at me and shook his head, his eyes red and swollen, not very different from my own. I glued my eyes to the floor when the pain hit my stomach and throat again, but Mikey nudged my elbow, nodding towards Raphael. I swallowed but found my mouth dry.

I slowly stood up, as if my body moved on its own, and walked over to Raph. I forced myself to look him in the eyes and didn't turn away until he did. He carefully grabbed my hand, and I could almost feel all the hurt rushing through his veins, out to his fingertips. I turned my head to Mike and nodded a "thank you", received a warm smile and then let Raphael lead me out of the room.

He walked in silence down the stair and then sat down in the couch, dragging me down with him. He never let go of my hand, even when I didn't put much effort in clenching his palm, and that felt… Good. As if it wouldn't matter what I did or what I told him; he'd still be there, right next to me, holding my hand. I took a deep breath.

- Raph, I'm sorr-

He put a finger over my mouth and silenced me. I looked at him, confused, and he shook his head.

- I love ya, Don.

Something jumped inside of me, sending a wave of something I would describe as happiness through my body. I actually stopped breathing when he spoke those three words, and I'm not sure if my heart stopped or started beating rapidly. Possibly both at the same time.

He didn't remove his finger from my mouth, and he kept holding my hand. He looked so secure, so firm. As if it wouldn't matter what I told him now, because he'd still be satisfied with just letting me know. I don't know how he did it, but he made me want to bury my face in his neck and curl up in his arms.

- Ya can be just as complicated and confused as ya want; I'm not goin' anywhere. Not even if ya tell me to.

He practically stared into my eyes, making sure that every word made sense to me, and then slowly removed his finger from my lips. I took that as a sign that I was allowed to speak, but when I tried to, no words came out. Raphael swallowed and I sat there, mouth wide open and just couldn't find what I wanted to say. That I was incredibly happy? That I wanted to hug him, kiss him, tell him 'I love you' and then run off into the sunset with him and live happily ever after? That I never wanted him to let go of me no matter how many times I told him to do so?

- I- I-

- Donnie.

I blinked when he interrupted me again, but waited for him to continue.

- Ya dun have to force yurself.

I tilted my head.

- We dun need to rush.

I almost smiled at myself when my heart jumped at the word "we", at the fact that he looked at us as a team. And I actually did smile when my body started tingling when he mentioned that we didn't have to rush. That he seemed to look at us as something that would last.

Before I could stop myself – not that I would, but you know -, I found us hugging tightly, me on top of him and my face buried in his chest. His hands held me tight and pressed me closer, and I clinged to his neck as if the world depended on it.

- I love you. I love you I love you I love you, Raph.

I felt his body tense and relax at every "I love you", and his breath came out shaking. I smiled and nuzzled up into his neck, feeling some kind of adrenaline rush when he let out a low groan and wrapped his legs around my hips.


End file.
